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Ever caught yourself wondering, mid-moment, “Are they even here with me?” It’s not an easy thought, but it’s a common one. We all like to believe that sex is the ultimate expression of intimacy that if someone’s body is with us, their mind must be too. But desire isn’t always that simple. The truth is, fantasy is part of human nature. And sometimes, those fantasies don’t feature us.
Why people fantasise about others Before you spiral, remember: sexual fantasy doesn’t always mean emotional betrayal. Our brains are wired for novelty, excitement, and imagination especially when routine or comfort sets in. Sometimes, thinking of someone else is just a subconscious way to reignite arousal or escape the pressure of performance. But if it feels like they’re drifting away from you more than toward you, it’s time to get curious, not defensive.
🚩 Subtle signs their head’s somewhere else
1. Disconnection mid-intimacy. Their body’s present, but their energy feels elsewhere, rushed, distant, unengaged.
2. They avoid eye contact. It’s not shyness; it’s distraction. 3. They change rhythm or lose focus suddenly. Almost like a thought pulled them out of the moment.
4. They rarely initiate. Or only do when they need release, not connection.
5. They seem overly performative. As if they’re acting a scene rather than sharing one.
6. Post-sex silence. That emotional distance that leaves you wondering if you were both even in the same moment.
❤ What to do instead of panicking
You can’t control what someone imagines but you can influence how safe and connected they feel with you.
• Have the brave conversation. Not “Who were you thinking about?” but “I feel like we’ve been a little disconnected lately, can we talk about it?”
• Reignite your own curiosity. Explore new sensations together. Change the setting, the pace, the energy.
• Turn fantasy into foreplay. Instead of treating imagination like betrayal, invite it into your connection, what turns them on, what turns you on, and what might feel exciting to share.
• Stay in your body. When you focus on your own pleasure and presence, you create energy that pulls both of you back into the moment. Because the sex that really stays with us isn’t about who we picture, it’s about who we feel.
JOMO London for intimacy that starts in the mind, and ends in the body
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